Universal Questionnaire Response Form


You recently sent me a questionnaire. To help me decide whether to waste my valuable time completing it, please take a few moments to answer the following questions.
  1. How did you select the recipients of this questionnaire?
  2. Was this a random sampling process? ___yes ___no.
      If so, please explain why I seem to receive so many questionnaires.
  3. How much money is being spent on this project?_____
  4. How much money is being wasted on this project?_____
  5. What percent of this comes from
    • The federal government? _____
    • State government? _____
    • County and municipal governments? _____
        If tax monies are being used, please explain (on a separate sheet) how you would respond to a taxpayer who asked whether this money is being spent wisely.
    • Foundations? _____
    • Dues of an organization of which I am a member? _____
        If so, what is the cost per member? _____ Explain why I should continue to support an organization which squanders members' dues on worthless projects of this sort?
  6. Will the results from this questionnaire be used as the basis of a thesis for an advanced academic degree? ___yes ___no.
      If so, what makes you think this Mickey-Mouse project is worthy of an advanced degree? Please respond on a separate sheet of paper and retain 10 (ten) copies, for the members of your thesis committee, your department chairman, the Dean, the university archives, and the funding agency. Throw any extra copies, along with the thesis, into the trash.
  7. Please indicate in what way the human condition, the state of the economy, or the progress of science would be harmed:
    • if I did not return this questionnaire,
    • if no one returned this questionnaire,
    • if this questionnaire had never been conceived,
    • if all those who perpetrate questionnaires had never been conceived.
  8. If you still want me to complete your @#$%&* questionnaire, please return this questionnaire, completed in full, along with a postpaid, self-addressed return envelope. Your response will receive enhanced consideration if you include a generous contribution to my Fund To Abolish Gratuitous And Intrusive Information Gathering Using Questionnaires. In any case, allow at least six months for receipt of my response.

Page 1 of 1. Form QR-96-01.357.018/r54
This document is by Donald E. Simanek. Input and suggestions for improvement are welcome at this address:

Return to Donald Simanek's page.